One Year Ago Today

     One year ago today, what I thought was forever shattered. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to the reality that what I had dedicated over 4 years to was not what I thought it was. In the days following, I started to realize that the person I thought loved and cared about me, the man that had inserted himself into my life as a father figure, had been manipulating me and so many people that I loved for his own gain. It's when I realized that I had been taken advantage of in Jesus’ name. That was one of the hardest days of my entire life and the days immediately following didn’t get better. On that day, I tried to continue to make excuses for those in charge but also realized that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I began to write back to the friends that had reached out trying to tell me what I was a part of and asking if I was ok. I started to write apologies to the people I had pushed out and shunned; to the people I had been judgmental of without realizing it because that was the type of toxic environment I was in. I started begging God for a way out because I felt trapped in something that I didn’t think was right anymore. And within two days, it collapsed. I’m not where I would like to be in the healing process. I’m not where I’d like to be in life as a single 25-year-old starting over. I understand that last sentence sounds trivial but when I became a part of “the ministry” at 19, I didn’t expect to be starting a brand new career at 25 or starting college at 26. Life isn’t fair. God is good. Those things sound opposite but they’re both equally true. I’m thankful for the environment I have to heal safely right now while also being so frustrated that I have to walk through all of this in the first place. And I’m finally getting to the place where I realize that that’s okay. It’s ok to grieve what I thought was and what happened to me and so many of those that I love and also press forward and be excited about the future and celebrate the fact that I got out and I get to move on and build my life. So let's start over, because as much as today feels like remembering and grieving what happened to me and what has been lost, it's also a day of celebration.
     
     One year ago today, the chains that had been holding me in a toxic environment that was causing overwhelming depression started to break. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to truth. One year ago today, my future started. One year ago today, God, in His grace, rescued me from the oppression that could have kept me captive my whole life. I celebrate today because, even though I am still feeling so much hurt, by the grace of God, I am putting one foot in front of the other day by day. Today, I celebrate one year of healing. Today, I celebrate that I am now prepared to go through even harder things because I am still functioning after going through the hardest year of my entire life. Today, I celebrate that I am healing and learning the patterns of psychological and spiritual abuse so that someday, the Lord could use what I have gone through to help others in similar situations begin to heal. Today, I celebrate the Lord's goodness in my life. 

Please take time to read.

Hey everybody,

This is not a typical post for me. I am like, an anti-controversial person, if that makes sense, and I know that there are people that I love so much that will not be okay with this post. Please know that this is not coming from a place of judgement, anger, or hate but of love and concern. I realize that this will seem offensive to many. I say that confidently because not long ago, I would have felt the same way. My thinking was so skewed because of the toxicity of the environment that I was living in that I was unable to see the truth. But the last 6 months have been an intense season of the Lord leading me through the beginnings of healing from the trauma of the last five years. That sounds dramatic so hear me out: when I say “the trauma of the last five years”, I’m not saying that the years I spent in ministry were a total waste or all bad. The environment was unhealthy, but the friends I made? An amazing blessing! The relationship and closeness that the Lord allowed me to develop with Him? Absolutely beautiful! The lessons that He’s taught me? So appreciated. But these are examples of good things God did in spite of man’s sin, selfishness, pride and bad intentions. Just because God did good things in the midst of so much bad doesn’t make it all right or good or even worth it. He allowed it to happen and is using it anyways, but I don’t believe that all the hurt that has happened was His sovereign plan. He allows man to have free will and still does good and kind things for those caught in the line of fire who truly have a pure heart to serve the Lord with all that they are.

I, along with many others, received a year end update letter from Potter’s Field Ministries, the ministry that most of you know I served with for five years. This letter was a painful reminder that the ministry that was supposed to close last summer amid dozens, if not more, allegations of abuse is continuing on, which opens up the opportunity for many, many more people to be hurt under the guise of service and ministry. I say all this to really say that, if you are supporting Potter’s Field Ministries- please know that they are not sharing the whole story. As far as I know, there has been no repentance or apologies made to the many, many victims and they are just going to keep hurting more if they have the opportunity to continue with their “ministry”. I am not wishing harm, in fact, my daily prayer is that the leadership would truly, truly come to experience the Lord and the abundant life that He offers. But I believe the fruit of this happening would be public repentance and meaningful apologies to all of those that have been hurt in the name of ministry for so long. God is good. His love is real. There are amazing ministries and churches that are doing true good for the Kingdom of God but it is my firm belief, because of the abuse that I’ve personally experienced, that Potter’s Field Ministries is not one of them and that the enemy is rejoicing that this ministry is continuing.

If you are supporting PFM and you have any questions, please message me. I would be glad to discuss them with you.

“Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.”
1 Timothy 5:19-20 NIV

Update Summer 2016!

Hi Friends!

So I haven't posted an update in a while so I just wanted to let everyone know where I am and what I'm doing. :)

Part of the IGNITE program is normally to serve at the church that sent you for 2 months. At the time, I was unable to return to my church and instead stayed to serve with Potter's Field in Montana. The Lord has now opened up the door for me to go back and serve at Calvary Chapel Perris Valley, my home church this summer for the months of June and July. I am so grateful for this opportunity to go back and fulfill my previous commitment but also just to be able to serve with all my heart at the church that so supported me in IGNITE. At the end of July, I also get to go back to Japan with CCPV and I am so excited!

I am excited for what the Lord has in store for this summer and lessons and continued steps of healing that He has for me to walk in. God is such a good, good Father and I'm blessed to be able to walk in His will.

Please be praying for me as I return to serve that I would serve in truth and with my whole heart and that I would be a joyful and selfless servant. Thank you so much for your prayers as I continue to walk in the will of my Heavenly Father.

By His Grace,

MaKayla

Here is the Link to my GoFundMe page for the missions trip to Japan. Thank you in advance for any financial support that you are able to give!
https://www.gofundme.com/makaylajapan

Trying to Grasp a Perfect Love - John 15:9

John 15:9 says,
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

I never actually realized it until this week, but when I think of God, I project a human image onto Him that isn't biblical. I picture someone who rolls their eyes and sighs when I confess that I have sinned, yet again. “Okay, MaKayla, I forgive you again but this is really getting old...” I picture Him getting tired of my mistakes. I think that humanly, this is an image that I can understand. Most people can only forgive so much before they just get sick of the other person's mess ups. But, oh how wrong it is for me to think that is how my Savior responds to me.

I don't have the right picture of who God is because I don't fully understand His love for me. Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” The Father loves the Son with a perfect love. We are loved with that same perfect love. That blows my mind. It is so hard for me to grasp a perfect love and to understand that that is what I receive. I am broken and messy and, at times, I have fallen so far away from God. There's no way that I deserve a perfect love. But that's the point. That's grace. I don't deserve this love but He pours it out on me anyway. I can't earn it and I can't mess up so badly that I would no longer be able to receive it. This love is too much for our human minds to even comprehend.

 Since last weekend, I have been overwhelmed with the reminder and realization of how loved I am. I haven't disappointed Him. I could never be too far that His love can't reach me.

I serve a Wonderful God that doesn't get sick of me.

Finding Where I'm Meant to Be - Jeremiah 13:11

Jeremiah 13:11 says, 

"For as the sash clings to the waist of a man, so I have caused the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah to cling to Me,’ says the Lord, ‘that they may become My people, for renown, for praise, and for glory; but they would not hear.’"

I have spent most of my life searching for my place. Where do I belong? Where do I fit? This journey to find my place has gotten me into a lot of trouble at times. And even when I felt the Lord telling me where I belong, which is close to Him, I ignored it because that wasn't where I wanted to be. That wouldn't give me popularity or tons of friends. So I ran away. I ran fast and hard from where I knew I was supposed to be.

In this passage, God is talking to Jeremiah and He has him do a little experiment as a visual for a lesson He was trying to teach Israel. God tells Jeremiah to put a sash around his waist and then later He tells him to put the sash in a rock by the water. When Jeremiah picks up the sash again, he sees that it is ruined and worthless, profitable for nothing.

This hit me so hard. All my life I have been wanting to know where I belong and here it is. I have been designed to cling to my Lord and Savior. When I stay where I belong, I have a purpose and place. But when I run from Him, I end up where I wasn't designed to be. I end up in the muck and become ruined, losing my purpose. God has called us to be His people. He has designed us to cling to Him but when we choose to stop listening to Him, we end up where we don't belong. 

I am so thankful that I have finally found my place. After years of running and searching, I have realized that apart from God, I can do nothing(John 15:5). My desire is to never leave this place again. Something that encourages me is that God wants me to cling to Him. That's the purpose that He has given me. 

We are called to cling. 

God is Good. I am a Witness... Update on Month 6 and Re-entry

Hello all!

So it's been 2 months since I posted an update but there's a valid reason. So September was our last month serving on the field. It consisted of testing, grading and lots of goodbyes. It was hard yet an amazing month. And then came re-entry. Our class reunited in Montana and stayed in an amazing cabin up on a mountain. We had discussions about some great books and about our time on the field. It was really great seeing how the Lord has worked in all of our lives and changed our hearts in the past 6 months. We unpacked things that we were feeling like fear, excitement, sadness. We talked about these feelings and walked through culture shock together. We soaked all of our fears and worries in prayer, sorted through what God did in all of our lives during field time and then got sent back out to share these experiences with those back at our home churches. It was amazing to see my class again. So even more, it was brutal saying goodbye to them last Saturday when re-entry ended. I'm so thankful for the people God gave me to go through these last 10 months with. I am especially grateful for the 4 of my classmates that made up my incredible family for the past 7 months. They are wonderful and I can't imagine what field time would have been like without them. The Lord showed us what true unity looks like when we learned how to die to ourselves and love each other no matter what. The Lord is the only way to explain how our team became so close. When we started 7 months ago, we were all opposites that didn't really get a long and had no idea how we were ever going to be a team and work together. But man, oh man, when I said goodbye to them on two days ago, it felt like severing my limbs and sending them all over the country. It was so hard to say goodbye but I am so thankful for how much it hurt because it shows me the amazing work that the Lord did in us.

So if you have not heard, I am staying in Whitefish, Montana to serve with Potter's Field for my last two months of IGNITE and after visiting family and friends for Christmas, I will return to Montana until God moves me elsewhere. I don't know what's next. I don't even know what tomorrow looks like but I do know that the Lord led me here and He has been with me through the last year and He isn't going to leave me. He is so good and so faithful and I could never earn His grace.

Thank you so much for your support over these last 10 months. I am so beyond blessed.

Stay tuned to this blog to see what happens next!

God is good. I am a witness!

By His Grace,

MaKayla

A Beautiful Contrast - Titus 3:1-7

Titus 3:1-7

“Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men. For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”

This passage is such an exact definition of what my life was a year ago, what the Lord has done in the last 9 months, and now what I am called to do. I was foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating others. This list is progressive. It started with being foolish because I wasn't grounded in the Lord and His Word. That led to being disobedient. Disobedient to my mom, to my pastor and most importantly to the Lord. Because of these first two, I opened myself up to being deceived. And I was. I was lied to and manipulated. Not only to do the things that I did but I was also deceived by Satan to believe that I was too far gone to be saved. I believed that I was too big of a sinner and that God didn't want me anymore. From there, I fell hard into serving my lusts and pleasures. This led to living in malice and envy of those around me that were involved in the same sin. We were all selfish and angry. This meant being hateful and hating each other. I hated everything. I was so unhappy and I hated my life. I hated those that hurt me. I hated what I was doing. I hated being alive.

But when I joined IGNITE, I experience God's love and kindness. I learned that He loved me no matter what I had done and He had plans for me and wanted me to come to repentance and experience His forgiveness so that He could use me. I wasn't saved by anything that I did. There was no work that I could have done that would have saved me. My salvation was a gift given through His mercy. He washed me and filled me with the Holy Spirit. This wasn't just a once filled type of thing. He poured His Spirit on me abundantly, and this through Jesus. Because of Jesus' sacrifice, I am truly alive and free from the chains of sin that kept me (seemingly) hopelessly captive before. I am now an heir and have the hope of eternal life. What a beautiful contrast! How completely opposite was my life a year ago compared to the life I have now. God is so good and so faithful.

So now with this new life that I have been given, I need to remember to submit to the authorities that God has placed in my life, to be ready for the good works that the Lord has for me to do, to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, and humble. This means to be these things with everyone, no matter who they are or how they treat me. I need to remember that I used to be without God just like them. These things are hard but possible with the Lord. This is such a good reminder for me as my serving time in IGNITE comes to an end this week. Just because my time on the foreign mission field is ending does not mean that I don't still need to live my life this way when I go back to the States. My mission field doesn't stop here. My mission field is wherever God places me.

My application this week is to make this passage a bookmark for my Bible as a daily reminder.  

No Condemnation... Romans 8:1

Romans 8:1 says,
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

So my life was really messed up last year. I made a lot of really stupid decisions and blatantly sinned against the Lord. I lived in a mess of disgusting sin, complete hypocrisy and false holiness. I pretended to have a relationship with Christ while running fast and hard away from Him. At the beginning of this year, God rescued me from myself and showed me that I am not too far from His saving grace. Something that I face on a pretty regular basis is memories and guilt from what I did. I am no longer living in that sin but that doesn't mean that I don't still have consequences from it. So yesterday was one of those days where I had to come face to face with my past and recount the things that I had done. Something though that is so important but often hard to remember is that my past is exactly that, past. It's gone; behind me. I am washed in the Blood of the Lamb and I am in Christ Jesus. Now because I am in Christ Jesus I need to know that there is no condemnation for me. There is conviction from the Holy Spirit when I sin but no condemnation. The devil is constantly trying to drag us down and away from God. One of the ways that he accomplishes this is by throwing condemnation at us. He wants us to believe that we are too bad; too far from grace; not good enough for God to love. But those thoughts are not from God. I am not worthless. I am not too far gone. I have made bad choices. I have hurt people. But I am in Christ Jesus and now I have a future. I am free from the chains of sin and condemnation. Satan can try to throw these things in my face but they no longer have any truth in Christ. I don't have to live in fear of not having a future because of the truth of this next verse:

Romans 8:28 says,
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

My application for this week is to write “no condemnation” on my right hand.

Where Is Your Faith? Luke 8:22-25

Luke 8:22-25 says,

“Now it happened, on a certain day, that He got into a boat with His disciples. And He said to them, 'Let us cross over to the other side of the lake.'And they launched out. But as they sailed He fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water, and were in jeopardy. And they came to Him and awoke Him, saying, 'Master, Master, we are perishing!' Then He arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water. And they ceased, and there was a calm. But He said to them, 'Where is your faith?'And they were afraid, and marveled, saying to one another, 'Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!'”

This past Saturday, we had a Women’s Bible Study at church and part of what was shared was about God's faithfulness and trustworthiness. At one point, Miss Karol said something about how the Lord has never left us or let us go so why do we fear? Why don't we trust Him? He's brought us this far, why would He leave us now? This was very convicting to me because only a few hours before this, I had mentioned to the girls on my team how fearful I am of the future because it's so unsure. Well I've been reading through Luke in my personal devotions and so Sunday morning, I read the above passage in Luke 8 and I was convicted even more. Let me explain.

So Jesus' disciples had been with Him for a good amount of time by this point. They had seen miracle upon miracle and listened to so many sermons and parables of His. They have been walking right beside the Son of God and then they get on this boat and entered a storm. They should have realized that this storm was so not a big deal for Jesus. In reality they had nothing to fear. They were with Jesus, for goodness sake! Didn't they remember all that He had done so far??? But there they were, only seeing the storm in front of them and freaking out, convinced that they were about to die. So then they wake up Jesus, informing Him of their seemingly imminent death. But for Jesus, He just calms the storm like it's just another day and asks them where their faith is. “Hello, haven't you seen me perform miracles on a regular basis? Don't you remember who I am? Why do you fret? Why can't you trust me?”

So my first thoughts after reading this are that the disciples are ridiculous and foolish for being scared. But then I remember my fear. “Um, Hello Mak, you've experienced God's faithfulness. You've seen the miracle that He has done with your life. You've seen what He can do with messes and wrecks. And yet you are currently fearful for your future. You doubt that the Lord is going to take care of you and provide. You doubt His capability. You doubt His power and sovereignty. Who are you to judge those who doubt?” Okay, point taken. Those things happening one right after the other was clearly the Lord responding to my admitted fear. “Where is your faith, beloved? Remember Who I am. Remember my promises and my faithfulness. I know what I'm doing.” So realizing all of this, I can now look at this passage that Miss Karol shared on Saturday as a reminder instead of not believing that it applies to me.

Proverbs 3:25-26 says,

“Do not be afraid of sudden terror,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.”

God is good. He is faithful. I am so thankful for what hes done in the last 8 months and I am excited to just lean on Him in this new phase of life. Things seem uncertain but I know that this is where He has called me so I am stepping out in faith knowing that He is there and will never leave me.

My application for this week is to give my insecurities and fears to Jesus and take time to journal about what He has done in my life and the reminders of His faithfulness. Also to journal the Scriptures that He has laid on my heart to remind me that He holds my future and that there is nothing to fear.

So Good to Me... Psalm 40:1-3

Psalm 40:1-3 says,

“I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord.”

So we have chapel every Thursday night here in Guatemala. Some of the girls that usually lead worship love this song called, “So Good to Me” and so it gets played often. Well, that song came pretty directly out of this passage in Psalm 40. I love this song but I don't really think about what it says often enough. So when I read this in my morning devotions the other day, I was hit afresh with the deep significance of what David is saying here.

Okay, I have sinned a lot in my life. I sin everyday. But last year, I had dug the most horrible pit of sin for myself. I was living a life of ugly and dirty bold-faced hypocrisy. I got to the point eventually where I was convinced that God didn't want to hear from me. I had a relationship with Him but I chose to walk away from Him, knowing what He had done for me on the cross, so therefore I was sure that He must have hated me. But then for some reason, knowing the cry of my heart, God picked me up out of that mess that I had put myself in. I have been washed in Jesus' blood and made perfect in His sight. This year, He set me upon a rock and has established my steps. To establish means to set up on a firm or permanent basis. This is what He has done! My path was so unsteady and broken and He picked me up and off of that way and made my steps firm and my path permanent. As a result of all of this, He has given me a new song of gratefulness. The only song I had before was of self pity and misery and now I don't feel content without praising the One who has brought me here. I know that this new life that I have wasn't given to me for me to live however I want but to always be able to tell others of what He has done for me.

My application for this week is to remember to be so thankful for what God has done for me. When I get frustrated or tired I need to remember the grace and love that has been given to me and praise Him for it.  

Nevertheless At Your Word... Luke 5:4-6

Luke 5:4-6 says,

“When He had stopped speaking, He said to Simon, 'Launch out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.' But Simon answered and said to Him, 'Master, we have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at Your word I will let down the net.' And when they had done this, they caught a great number of fish, and their net was breaking. ”

So this was from my devotions this morning and I couldn't stop going back to it. I love Peter's response. It just makes me think of how often I don't trust God and I think that I know better. Simon Peter was a fisherman. He knew what He was doing and He had been trying to catch all night. Jesus' request probably sounded ridiculous. My thoughts most likely would have been, “Doesn't He realize that I have tried that already? He has no idea what He's talking about. Doesn't He know that this is my job?” But no. His response was nothing like that. As far as we know, he barely knew Jesus, but he trusted Him anyways.  He recognized Jesus as authority when he called Him Master. Instead of being prideful and thinking that he knew everything, he humbled himself and obeyed. And his faith did not go unrewarded. Not only did they catch fish but they caught so much that the net was breaking and in the following verses it talks about how they filled 2 boats with so much that they started to sink! How incredible is that!

Okay, so in life, sometimes what God tells me to do doesn't make any sense to me. I forget that He sees the finished tapestry and I only see a bunch of tangled strings. So many times, my response is, “Lord, I have my own plans and I really like them and I would rather not follow yours.” Or ,”God I am really comfortable where I am and I don't want to experience change.” In November of 2013, my response was, “Lord, I know that you have called me to IGNITE in Guatemala, but I'm comfortable in California with my job and housing situation and not having to stretch or change and following You will take faith and trust because I don't have the funds to go so instead, I'm not going to obey you and I'm going to stay put.” I can honestly say that that this decision not to follow God's plans caused so much heartache in the year and a half that followed and if I could go back in time I would change it. But I also know that finally deciding to obey in January of this year, because I felt like I had no other option, has led to more blessing than I could ever imagine. That obedience has led to so much more grace, forgiveness, love and provision than I ever expected to receive. I wish that I would have chosen to obey when I was first called to it instead of waiting until I was so deep in a hole of sin that obeying was my last option. But I am so grateful because I have still been abundantly blessed even though I was so slow to obedience. I pray that in the future, my response will be,”Nevertheless at Your word, Lord,” from the beginning. 

My application for this week is to write, “Nevertheless at Your word,” on my wall so that I have a reminder of what my response to God's calling needs to be.  

Knocked Down, Not Knocked Out... 2 Corinthians 4:6-10

2nd Corinthians 4:6-10

“For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.” 

So we had a missions team come stay with us last week from Calvary Chapel San Juan Capistrano in California and their youth pastor, Pastor Andrew, shared at chapel last Thursday on 2nd Corinthians 4 and this passage (verses 6-10) really stuck out to me. 

We are earthen vessels filled with the power of God. We're like broken falling apart treasure chests that really shouldn't be holding treasure because it keeps spilling out. But as the treasures falls out it effects others.  

There has been a lot of visible change in my heart and mind in the last 8 months. The Lord has done an amazing work in me and I don't say that to boast but to say that I can't explain it except for Jesus. He is so good and for some reason He wants to work in me and every other sinner in this broken world to touch others for Him. It is obvious that I am just a powerless earthen vessel and so when God uses me, it's SO obvious that it is Him and not me because I really am powerless and on my own not capable of doing anything truly good. My prayer is that when people see me, they understand that nothing good that I do is of me but it is the power of the Lord; I really have nothing to do with it.

As a follower of Christ, I have seen and will see hard times. There is pressure from the world. There is confusion, persecution and pain. But these things cannot truly hurt me. Sure, it hurts in this life but this earthly life is not all I have. I'm going to heaven. Right now, I'm only knocked down, not knocked out. I am promised persecution in this life, it will happen. But God. I don't have to fear the things that happen to me here. I know that it is all for the glory of my God and I will come face to face with Him one day and I want to know that I knew my role in this world, in this ministry that is my life. This life is not about me. This ministry is not about me. Salvation has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God and that brings me so much joy. I cannot save myself and I don't have to try. It's all about Jesus. This life is not really mine. I am called to die daily that Christ may live through me. I remember what the death of my Jesus has done for me so that His resurrection power may shine through my life. 

My application this week is to write “Knocked down, not knocked out” on my right wrist and “It's not about me but about Him” on my left wrist as reminders.

Field Time so far... Months 4 and 5

      As I type this, there are exactly 5 weeks until my team and I leave Guatemala for reentry in Montana with the rest of our class. How did this happen so quickly? I swear it was January yesterday! These last 8 months have been amazing and God has been so good and faithful in showing me what a mess my life was without Him and the amazing plans that He has for me and desires for me to walk in.

     So somehow, I completely spaced out on writing an update for July- August, so this month's update will be about mid-July – mid-September.

     July and August were full of missions trips. So busy. So good. Almost every week we had a new team coming in from different places in the States. It has been amazing getting to meet so many new people, hear what God is doing in their lives, and share with them what the Lord has done in my life through this year. With the missions teams, we did outreaches in markets and parks, went to the hospital, threw huge, carnival type Kid's Clubs (which the kids LOVED by the way), and went to the dump in Esquintla. One of my team's new favorite outreaches that we just started doing a few months ago is bring pancakes and eggs to Antigua's Central Park and giving them away to the vendor's that work there. These outreaches are full of fun times, huge smiles and fellowship.

     So, most likely, the reason that I forgot to write an update is because the second week of August, a team of Potter's Field Sponsors came and that week was EXTREMELY busy and amazing. God blessed me so much during that trip through the people that I met. He also confirmed a calling in my heart that I had started feeling but wasn't sure about.

     In the midst of all the missions team, we are still teaching at four schools a week and having between 1 and 3 Kid's Clubs a week at different locations. God is so good. He is so faithful and He is still teaching me more about Himself every day.

     Thank you for your prayers and support! I am excited for what the Lord has to show me in the last few months of this amazing journey.

By His Grace,

MaKayla  

Stones of Remembrance... Joshua 4:2-7

Joshua 4:2, 6-7

“‘Take for yourselves twelve stones from here, out of the midst of the Jordan, from the place where the priests’ feet stood firm... that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”

My life has been filled with things that I now look back at as memorial stones...

 God has protected and delivered me numerous times. The biggest time that comes to mind though is from this past year. It was my crossing the Jordan. I was living a completely hypocritical lifestyle; completely backslidden and blatantly running away from the Lord. I don't know why, but the Lord broke into my life and plucked me up out of that lifestyle of sin and placed me in a safe place. What the Lord has done in my life is something that I could never do on my own.

 Since then, God has shown me many things. He has provided. He has loved me even when I'm confused, scared or angry and I just want to run away. He has broken the me that I had made and started to mold me into who He wants me to be. He has provided me with so many memorial stones so that when I start to doubt, I can look back and remember what He has done and what He brought me from. The memorial stones are also there so that I can point others to His faithfulness. When they doubt or are afraid, I can tell them about what He has done in my life. One day, I'll be able to tell my children about what God has done. I can tell them of His love, grace and forgiveness. 

My application this week is to draw a picture of what these verses mean to me.

Lessons Learned In The Waiting... Proverbs 19:21

Proverbs 19:21 says,

“There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel—that will stand.”

I am a planner. I love to be prepared. I don't naturally like surprises or changes. God knows this about me. He knows that I like knowing details. Before this year, I didn't fully understand what it meant to be flexible. I've learned that being flexible is thinking that you're going to do one thing and at the very last second, being told that something else completely different needs to be done, and then being 100% okay with that no matter what changes that brings to your plans. This is something that He has been teaching me this year and I know that it is to prepare me for the future. You see, I planned my future. I've made plans for myself tons of times. I'm gonna be a masseuse. I'm going to be a counselor. I'm going to college. I'm going to be married by 22. I'm going to Africa. I plan and God laughs. I can imagine Him saying, “Doesn't she know by now that my plans are so much greater than anything she can ever imagine?”

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

But still I plan. The past few months have been difficult because I can't plan. I don't know exactly what is happening after this program. I can't answer questions about the future with anything more than, I'm really not sure what is happening but I know that the Lord is in control. I know that He has placed a calling on my heart and I'm not sure what the future looks like but I know for sure that He has a plan. God is teaching me to trust Him. There are certain burdens and desires that have been placed on my heart just recently but I don't know when those things will happen. And I'm learning to be content in waiting. I know that God is good and that He has placed desires in my heart and He will not withhold these things from me when I am walking in His way.

Psalm 84:11 says,

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

A friend of mine was sharing something with us the other day that really stuck out to me. God gives us promises. Sometimes we can see those promises and so we do things to make the promise come to be sooner than God's plans because we get impatient. “I can see it so I must be able to have it!” When I learn to wait on the Lord and His timing, I learn to focus on the here and now and I learn so much more than when I am looking so far ahead into the future. God has lessons to teach me here and now. He has things He wants me to learn so that I can be ready for the future that He has planned for me.

My application this week is to submit my plans to the Lord. Whenever I start thinking too far into the future, I will give those thoughts to the Lord and ask Him what He wants me to learn right now in the waiting.

His Burden is Light... Matthew 11:28-29

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

Heavy. That is the best way to describe how I've been feeling the last few weeks. Not just heavy, but ever increasingly so. Different situations have been coming to light that just break my heart. God is opening my eyes to how evil this world actually is. I can't just stop seeing it anymore because he's bringing it right to my doorstep. It is apparent to me that the Lord is truly breaking my heart for what breaks His. It seems that He is preparing me for whatever He has for me in the future. And that is exciting. But man, it's also really hard. And just, heavy. 

And then the Truth steps in. The burden of this world is heavy. It's hard and scary and overwhelming. This world is fallen and evil. So many bad things happen constantly. But Jesus' yoke is easy and His burden is light. I am meant to have compassion for this world and a heart for the lost to be found. But it isn't right for me to bear that burden alone. I need to give it to Him. I was talking to a leader today and she said something that really helped me. Cattle and oxen have yokes on them but it isn't too heavy and they are able to keep working because it is balanced. The yoke is designed so that even though it is heavy, they can bear it. Jesus balances us when we let Him. We just have to give our burdens to Him.

My application this week is to lift up the people that the Lord has been laying on my heart and allow Him to lift the burden off my shoulders as He takes care of them.

Be Steadfast in All Your Ways... Proverbs 4:25-27

Proverbs 4:25-27 says,

“Let your eyes look straight ahead;

fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet

and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil.” 

I get easily distracted. I get bored or scared or nervous or many other things and I let myself veer off of what I am supposed to be focused on. I am in a year long program which means that at this point, at least the next 5 months are pretty decided. I don't know the detail of what will happen in these next five months but I do know that I have dedicated this year to getting closer to Jesus and serving in whatever ways He has for me while I am in this program. After that, I really have no idea what God has for me. I have ideas and plans but nothing is firmly decided or set in stone. I don't know for sure where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now. Quite honestly, that scares me. But I keep having to go back to the fact that God has me. He knows me and He knows the plans He has for me. He made me and has prepared good works for me before the beginning of time that He desires me to walk in(Eph 2:10). 

So lately I've been fretting about things. “Lord, what am I going to be doing after IGNITE?” “Where am I going to be living and am I going to have a car?” “God, when am I going to get married and to who???” “Jesus, how are things going to work out?” I think God probably just looks at me and shakes His head, thinking, “If she would only trust me and focus on what I have for her to do right now. I'm holding her and I know exactly how everything is going to play out.”  So this morning, I read this passage and it smacked me upside the head. “Mak, stop fretting. Stop getting distracted. Stop trying to make your own plans. Focus on today. Focus on where you are right now. Focus on the opportunities that you have right now.” In our commitment statement that we made as a class during training, we wrote that one of our goals was to “be where we are and commit to where we are sent.” That means to focus on the ministry and the people and the team that God has put me in right now. If I just focus on where He has me and the path He has me on right now, all the other things will work out. God laughs when I make plans so I might as well quit trying. He knows so much better than I do because He see everything start to finish whereas I only see what's going on right now. 

I also need to make sure that I don't get bored or lazy and instead of looking straight ahead at the path that God has me on right now, start to veer off into sin. “I would rather focus on this over here. I would rather see what would happen if I did this.” I need to be steadfast; immovable. Determined and focused to stay in God's will for me. 

My application this week is to draw a picture of what this verse means to me and put it on my wall.

Do Not Be Entangled Again... Galatians 5:1

Galatians 5:1 says,

“Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.”

 Before I rededicated my life to Christ, I thought that I was too far gone to be saved. I thought that there was no way that God wanted to hear from me. I longed to speak to Him. I wanted to read the Bible. Even though I had always been told of His grace and forgiveness, I was so convinced that I was too dirty to be washed clean and that God would never want me back. I thought that I was worse than others because I knew about Jesus and had experienced His love and I deliberately walked away from Him and His plans for me. 

It's a habit of mine to forget what Jesus has done for me. Satan throws thoughts of guilt, condemnation, bad memories of what I've done and inadequacy my way and I get so wrapped up in them that I forget the truth. I dwell on the sin and forget that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). During our 3 months of training, I remember one of the teachers saying that when you reject God's grace, you are putting Jesus back on the cross all over again. Jesus took all of my sin upon himself when He died and bridged the gap between me and God when he raised from the dead. The moment that I repented and asked God to save me, He forgot my sins. He has no records of them. But Satan doesn't want us to experience “the liberty by which Christ has made us free.” He wants me to stay entangled in the bondage of sin. When I dwell on thoughts of my past, I pick up my chains again. I need to remember the freedom that Christ has given me. Instead of dwelling on the past, I need to press ahead toward the plans that God has for me. 

Philippians 3:13-14 says,

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

My application this week is to post these verses on my wall as a reminder of my freedom and future in Christ.

No Right to Unforgiveness... Matthew 18:27, 29

Matthew 18:27, 29 say,
“Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.”

“His fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt.”

I'll be referencing the passage of the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant from Matthew 18:25-35.

So I've been forgiven for a lot. I mean A LOT. God is so gracious and good and not only has He forgiven me but He has given freedom from sin and guilt and He has an amazing plan for my life that He wants me to walk in. He didn't say, “Okay I forgive you but you have to walk in the shame of everything you've ever done and because of your sin, you will never be able to do anything do with your life for My name.” No, that is the complete opposite of what He says. When I repent, He forgets my sin and casts it as far as the east is from the west! There is no record. No list of wrongs. I'm free; it's gone. Jesus took my sin upon himself so that I could have this amazing freedom and relationship with God! He himself bridged the gap that should never have been bridged because of my sin.

Okay, so now all of that being said, what right do I think I have to ever hold back forgiveness from someone and hang on to a grudge? No one could ever do anything that makes them too far gone to be forgiven. We've been forgiven from the unimaginable by a perfect God so why in the world do we think that we can not forgive. I'm not saying that people don't hurt us. Forgiving doesn't mean that what was done is okay. It means that you won't be corrupted by bitterness any longer. To forgive doesn't even mean to trust immediately or ever. But when we hold onto bitterness, we are the ones who suffer. Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Hebrews 12:15 says,
“Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”

Bitterness is a weed and it happens fast. We need to cut it out at the root so that it won't come back. Okay so back to the parable. One servant was forgiven from an incredible debt from his master but then turned around and demanded a debt be paid to him by a fellow servant who owed him so much less than what the first servant had just been forgiven of. We look at this at first glance and think he's crazy but we do this all the time. We have been forgiven from so much that we can't even put into words what our debt to Christ was, yet when someone slanders us or mistreats us or whatever they do, we hold grudges and throw temper tantrums and refuse to forgive. I am so guilty of this. I look at other people who are living lives of sin or who have wronged me and think, “Wow, how awful are they. I could never forgive them!” But why not? I have been forgiven of so much more! Lots of times I end up judging someone for living a life of sin that is so similar to the way that I used to live. What right do I have? I have been forgiven and given freedom beyond what I could ever deserve. I spit in Jesus' face and put Him on the cross yet I hold grudges for what could be compared to someone just stepping on my toes. This is something that I have to constantly remind myself. I have no right not to forgive. I don't deserve forgiveness any more than they do yet God freely gives it to anyone who will confess His name and repent.

My application this week is to pray for my unforgiving heart to change and for compassion to flood my heart where bitterness was before.

Field Time So Far... Month 3

Hi friends!

     So today marks six months since classes started for IGNITE Class 8 and three months since Team Guat landed back in here Guatemala for our serving period. Well, a lot has changed in the last 6 months but the biggest thing is the incredible change that God has made in my life and the amazing grace that He has shown me.

     In the month of June, a lot of changes have come for us in Guat. The Drey Family left June 14^th while Theo came back on the 15^th. We had two weeks off of teaching for the the kid's summer break(their school year goes from January-October with a break in June instead of September-June like in the States). During those two weeks, missions trips started coming and we did lots of outreaches with them. We choreographed a mime showing the life of Paul set to the song Oceans(in Spanish) and presented it at several locations throughout town while also doing worship, talking to people about Jesus, praying with them and inviting them to church. We also went to the dump at Esquintla to help with a soup kitchen while also hanging out with the kids. We helped throw birthday parties at the local hospital for people with different special needs who live there.

     After the 2 week break, we returned to teaching at the schools. Last week, I found out that I had amoebas resulting most likely from having water accidentally splashed in my mouth during water games at Kid's Club a month ago. Four out of the five of us got amoebas/parasites/bacteria from this. I finished my antibiotics yesterday and should be back to normal soon. :) This past Saturday, July 11th, 12 new students arrived here at the Potter's Field Center in Antigua for IGNITE Class 9 and they started classes yesterday. This month has definitely been a month of transition but during these six months, transition has become a norm, and of this I am very thankful. Change used to be very hard for me and while it's not exactly a piece of cake now, I have become much more flexible. God is so good and the things that He is showing me and my team individually and as a whole blow me away. Please keep us in your prayers!

Thank you for your support!

By His Grace,

MaKayla