One year ago today, what I thought was forever shattered. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to the reality that what I had dedicated over 4 years to was not what I thought it was. In the days following, I started to realize that the person I thought loved and cared about me, the man that had inserted himself into my life as a father figure, had been manipulating me and so many people that I loved for his own gain. It's when I realized that I had been taken advantage of in Jesus’ name. That was one of the hardest days of my entire life and the days immediately following didn’t get better. On that day, I tried to continue to make excuses for those in charge but also realized that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I began to write back to the friends that had reached out trying to tell me what I was a part of and asking if I was ok. I started to write apologies to the people I had pushed out and shunned; to the people I had been judgmental of without realizing it because that was the type of toxic environment I was in. I started begging God for a way out because I felt trapped in something that I didn’t think was right anymore. And within two days, it collapsed. I’m not where I would like to be in the healing process. I’m not where I’d like to be in life as a single 25-year-old starting over. I understand that last sentence sounds trivial but when I became a part of “the ministry” at 19, I didn’t expect to be starting a brand new career at 25 or starting college at 26. Life isn’t fair. God is good. Those things sound opposite but they’re both equally true. I’m thankful for the environment I have to heal safely right now while also being so frustrated that I have to walk through all of this in the first place. And I’m finally getting to the place where I realize that that’s okay. It’s ok to grieve what I thought was and what happened to me and so many of those that I love and also press forward and be excited about the future and celebrate the fact that I got out and I get to move on and build my life. So let's start over, because as much as today feels like remembering and grieving what happened to me and what has been lost, it's also a day of celebration.
One year ago today, the chains that had been holding me in a toxic environment that was causing overwhelming depression started to break. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to truth. One year ago today, my future started. One year ago today, God, in His grace, rescued me from the oppression that could have kept me captive my whole life. I celebrate today because, even though I am still feeling so much hurt, by the grace of God, I am putting one foot in front of the other day by day. Today, I celebrate one year of healing. Today, I celebrate that I am now prepared to go through even harder things because I am still functioning after going through the hardest year of my entire life. Today, I celebrate that I am healing and learning the patterns of psychological and spiritual abuse so that someday, the Lord could use what I have gone through to help others in similar situations begin to heal. Today, I celebrate the Lord's goodness in my life.
