One Year Ago Today

     One year ago today, what I thought was forever shattered. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to the reality that what I had dedicated over 4 years to was not what I thought it was. In the days following, I started to realize that the person I thought loved and cared about me, the man that had inserted himself into my life as a father figure, had been manipulating me and so many people that I loved for his own gain. It's when I realized that I had been taken advantage of in Jesus’ name. That was one of the hardest days of my entire life and the days immediately following didn’t get better. On that day, I tried to continue to make excuses for those in charge but also realized that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I began to write back to the friends that had reached out trying to tell me what I was a part of and asking if I was ok. I started to write apologies to the people I had pushed out and shunned; to the people I had been judgmental of without realizing it because that was the type of toxic environment I was in. I started begging God for a way out because I felt trapped in something that I didn’t think was right anymore. And within two days, it collapsed. I’m not where I would like to be in the healing process. I’m not where I’d like to be in life as a single 25-year-old starting over. I understand that last sentence sounds trivial but when I became a part of “the ministry” at 19, I didn’t expect to be starting a brand new career at 25 or starting college at 26. Life isn’t fair. God is good. Those things sound opposite but they’re both equally true. I’m thankful for the environment I have to heal safely right now while also being so frustrated that I have to walk through all of this in the first place. And I’m finally getting to the place where I realize that that’s okay. It’s ok to grieve what I thought was and what happened to me and so many of those that I love and also press forward and be excited about the future and celebrate the fact that I got out and I get to move on and build my life. So let's start over, because as much as today feels like remembering and grieving what happened to me and what has been lost, it's also a day of celebration.
     
     One year ago today, the chains that had been holding me in a toxic environment that was causing overwhelming depression started to break. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to truth. One year ago today, my future started. One year ago today, God, in His grace, rescued me from the oppression that could have kept me captive my whole life. I celebrate today because, even though I am still feeling so much hurt, by the grace of God, I am putting one foot in front of the other day by day. Today, I celebrate one year of healing. Today, I celebrate that I am now prepared to go through even harder things because I am still functioning after going through the hardest year of my entire life. Today, I celebrate that I am healing and learning the patterns of psychological and spiritual abuse so that someday, the Lord could use what I have gone through to help others in similar situations begin to heal. Today, I celebrate the Lord's goodness in my life. 

Please take time to read.

Hey everybody,

This is not a typical post for me. I am like, an anti-controversial person, if that makes sense, and I know that there are people that I love so much that will not be okay with this post. Please know that this is not coming from a place of judgement, anger, or hate but of love and concern. I realize that this will seem offensive to many. I say that confidently because not long ago, I would have felt the same way. My thinking was so skewed because of the toxicity of the environment that I was living in that I was unable to see the truth. But the last 6 months have been an intense season of the Lord leading me through the beginnings of healing from the trauma of the last five years. That sounds dramatic so hear me out: when I say “the trauma of the last five years”, I’m not saying that the years I spent in ministry were a total waste or all bad. The environment was unhealthy, but the friends I made? An amazing blessing! The relationship and closeness that the Lord allowed me to develop with Him? Absolutely beautiful! The lessons that He’s taught me? So appreciated. But these are examples of good things God did in spite of man’s sin, selfishness, pride and bad intentions. Just because God did good things in the midst of so much bad doesn’t make it all right or good or even worth it. He allowed it to happen and is using it anyways, but I don’t believe that all the hurt that has happened was His sovereign plan. He allows man to have free will and still does good and kind things for those caught in the line of fire who truly have a pure heart to serve the Lord with all that they are.

I, along with many others, received a year end update letter from Potter’s Field Ministries, the ministry that most of you know I served with for five years. This letter was a painful reminder that the ministry that was supposed to close last summer amid dozens, if not more, allegations of abuse is continuing on, which opens up the opportunity for many, many more people to be hurt under the guise of service and ministry. I say all this to really say that, if you are supporting Potter’s Field Ministries- please know that they are not sharing the whole story. As far as I know, there has been no repentance or apologies made to the many, many victims and they are just going to keep hurting more if they have the opportunity to continue with their “ministry”. I am not wishing harm, in fact, my daily prayer is that the leadership would truly, truly come to experience the Lord and the abundant life that He offers. But I believe the fruit of this happening would be public repentance and meaningful apologies to all of those that have been hurt in the name of ministry for so long. God is good. His love is real. There are amazing ministries and churches that are doing true good for the Kingdom of God but it is my firm belief, because of the abuse that I’ve personally experienced, that Potter’s Field Ministries is not one of them and that the enemy is rejoicing that this ministry is continuing.

If you are supporting PFM and you have any questions, please message me. I would be glad to discuss them with you.

“Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.”
1 Timothy 5:19-20 NIV

Update Summer 2016!

Hi Friends!

So I haven't posted an update in a while so I just wanted to let everyone know where I am and what I'm doing. :)

Part of the IGNITE program is normally to serve at the church that sent you for 2 months. At the time, I was unable to return to my church and instead stayed to serve with Potter's Field in Montana. The Lord has now opened up the door for me to go back and serve at Calvary Chapel Perris Valley, my home church this summer for the months of June and July. I am so grateful for this opportunity to go back and fulfill my previous commitment but also just to be able to serve with all my heart at the church that so supported me in IGNITE. At the end of July, I also get to go back to Japan with CCPV and I am so excited!

I am excited for what the Lord has in store for this summer and lessons and continued steps of healing that He has for me to walk in. God is such a good, good Father and I'm blessed to be able to walk in His will.

Please be praying for me as I return to serve that I would serve in truth and with my whole heart and that I would be a joyful and selfless servant. Thank you so much for your prayers as I continue to walk in the will of my Heavenly Father.

By His Grace,

MaKayla

Here is the Link to my GoFundMe page for the missions trip to Japan. Thank you in advance for any financial support that you are able to give!
https://www.gofundme.com/makaylajapan

Trying to Grasp a Perfect Love - John 15:9

John 15:9 says,
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

I never actually realized it until this week, but when I think of God, I project a human image onto Him that isn't biblical. I picture someone who rolls their eyes and sighs when I confess that I have sinned, yet again. “Okay, MaKayla, I forgive you again but this is really getting old...” I picture Him getting tired of my mistakes. I think that humanly, this is an image that I can understand. Most people can only forgive so much before they just get sick of the other person's mess ups. But, oh how wrong it is for me to think that is how my Savior responds to me.

I don't have the right picture of who God is because I don't fully understand His love for me. Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” The Father loves the Son with a perfect love. We are loved with that same perfect love. That blows my mind. It is so hard for me to grasp a perfect love and to understand that that is what I receive. I am broken and messy and, at times, I have fallen so far away from God. There's no way that I deserve a perfect love. But that's the point. That's grace. I don't deserve this love but He pours it out on me anyway. I can't earn it and I can't mess up so badly that I would no longer be able to receive it. This love is too much for our human minds to even comprehend.

 Since last weekend, I have been overwhelmed with the reminder and realization of how loved I am. I haven't disappointed Him. I could never be too far that His love can't reach me.

I serve a Wonderful God that doesn't get sick of me.

Finding Where I'm Meant to Be - Jeremiah 13:11

Jeremiah 13:11 says, 

"For as the sash clings to the waist of a man, so I have caused the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah to cling to Me,’ says the Lord, ‘that they may become My people, for renown, for praise, and for glory; but they would not hear.’"

I have spent most of my life searching for my place. Where do I belong? Where do I fit? This journey to find my place has gotten me into a lot of trouble at times. And even when I felt the Lord telling me where I belong, which is close to Him, I ignored it because that wasn't where I wanted to be. That wouldn't give me popularity or tons of friends. So I ran away. I ran fast and hard from where I knew I was supposed to be.

In this passage, God is talking to Jeremiah and He has him do a little experiment as a visual for a lesson He was trying to teach Israel. God tells Jeremiah to put a sash around his waist and then later He tells him to put the sash in a rock by the water. When Jeremiah picks up the sash again, he sees that it is ruined and worthless, profitable for nothing.

This hit me so hard. All my life I have been wanting to know where I belong and here it is. I have been designed to cling to my Lord and Savior. When I stay where I belong, I have a purpose and place. But when I run from Him, I end up where I wasn't designed to be. I end up in the muck and become ruined, losing my purpose. God has called us to be His people. He has designed us to cling to Him but when we choose to stop listening to Him, we end up where we don't belong. 

I am so thankful that I have finally found my place. After years of running and searching, I have realized that apart from God, I can do nothing(John 15:5). My desire is to never leave this place again. Something that encourages me is that God wants me to cling to Him. That's the purpose that He has given me. 

We are called to cling. 

God is Good. I am a Witness... Update on Month 6 and Re-entry

Hello all!

So it's been 2 months since I posted an update but there's a valid reason. So September was our last month serving on the field. It consisted of testing, grading and lots of goodbyes. It was hard yet an amazing month. And then came re-entry. Our class reunited in Montana and stayed in an amazing cabin up on a mountain. We had discussions about some great books and about our time on the field. It was really great seeing how the Lord has worked in all of our lives and changed our hearts in the past 6 months. We unpacked things that we were feeling like fear, excitement, sadness. We talked about these feelings and walked through culture shock together. We soaked all of our fears and worries in prayer, sorted through what God did in all of our lives during field time and then got sent back out to share these experiences with those back at our home churches. It was amazing to see my class again. So even more, it was brutal saying goodbye to them last Saturday when re-entry ended. I'm so thankful for the people God gave me to go through these last 10 months with. I am especially grateful for the 4 of my classmates that made up my incredible family for the past 7 months. They are wonderful and I can't imagine what field time would have been like without them. The Lord showed us what true unity looks like when we learned how to die to ourselves and love each other no matter what. The Lord is the only way to explain how our team became so close. When we started 7 months ago, we were all opposites that didn't really get a long and had no idea how we were ever going to be a team and work together. But man, oh man, when I said goodbye to them on two days ago, it felt like severing my limbs and sending them all over the country. It was so hard to say goodbye but I am so thankful for how much it hurt because it shows me the amazing work that the Lord did in us.

So if you have not heard, I am staying in Whitefish, Montana to serve with Potter's Field for my last two months of IGNITE and after visiting family and friends for Christmas, I will return to Montana until God moves me elsewhere. I don't know what's next. I don't even know what tomorrow looks like but I do know that the Lord led me here and He has been with me through the last year and He isn't going to leave me. He is so good and so faithful and I could never earn His grace.

Thank you so much for your support over these last 10 months. I am so beyond blessed.

Stay tuned to this blog to see what happens next!

God is good. I am a witness!

By His Grace,

MaKayla

A Beautiful Contrast - Titus 3:1-7

Titus 3:1-7

“Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men. For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”

This passage is such an exact definition of what my life was a year ago, what the Lord has done in the last 9 months, and now what I am called to do. I was foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating others. This list is progressive. It started with being foolish because I wasn't grounded in the Lord and His Word. That led to being disobedient. Disobedient to my mom, to my pastor and most importantly to the Lord. Because of these first two, I opened myself up to being deceived. And I was. I was lied to and manipulated. Not only to do the things that I did but I was also deceived by Satan to believe that I was too far gone to be saved. I believed that I was too big of a sinner and that God didn't want me anymore. From there, I fell hard into serving my lusts and pleasures. This led to living in malice and envy of those around me that were involved in the same sin. We were all selfish and angry. This meant being hateful and hating each other. I hated everything. I was so unhappy and I hated my life. I hated those that hurt me. I hated what I was doing. I hated being alive.

But when I joined IGNITE, I experience God's love and kindness. I learned that He loved me no matter what I had done and He had plans for me and wanted me to come to repentance and experience His forgiveness so that He could use me. I wasn't saved by anything that I did. There was no work that I could have done that would have saved me. My salvation was a gift given through His mercy. He washed me and filled me with the Holy Spirit. This wasn't just a once filled type of thing. He poured His Spirit on me abundantly, and this through Jesus. Because of Jesus' sacrifice, I am truly alive and free from the chains of sin that kept me (seemingly) hopelessly captive before. I am now an heir and have the hope of eternal life. What a beautiful contrast! How completely opposite was my life a year ago compared to the life I have now. God is so good and so faithful.

So now with this new life that I have been given, I need to remember to submit to the authorities that God has placed in my life, to be ready for the good works that the Lord has for me to do, to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, and humble. This means to be these things with everyone, no matter who they are or how they treat me. I need to remember that I used to be without God just like them. These things are hard but possible with the Lord. This is such a good reminder for me as my serving time in IGNITE comes to an end this week. Just because my time on the foreign mission field is ending does not mean that I don't still need to live my life this way when I go back to the States. My mission field doesn't stop here. My mission field is wherever God places me.

My application this week is to make this passage a bookmark for my Bible as a daily reminder.