One Year Ago Today

     One year ago today, what I thought was forever shattered. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to the reality that what I had dedicated over 4 years to was not what I thought it was. In the days following, I started to realize that the person I thought loved and cared about me, the man that had inserted himself into my life as a father figure, had been manipulating me and so many people that I loved for his own gain. It's when I realized that I had been taken advantage of in Jesus’ name. That was one of the hardest days of my entire life and the days immediately following didn’t get better. On that day, I tried to continue to make excuses for those in charge but also realized that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I began to write back to the friends that had reached out trying to tell me what I was a part of and asking if I was ok. I started to write apologies to the people I had pushed out and shunned; to the people I had been judgmental of without realizing it because that was the type of toxic environment I was in. I started begging God for a way out because I felt trapped in something that I didn’t think was right anymore. And within two days, it collapsed. I’m not where I would like to be in the healing process. I’m not where I’d like to be in life as a single 25-year-old starting over. I understand that last sentence sounds trivial but when I became a part of “the ministry” at 19, I didn’t expect to be starting a brand new career at 25 or starting college at 26. Life isn’t fair. God is good. Those things sound opposite but they’re both equally true. I’m thankful for the environment I have to heal safely right now while also being so frustrated that I have to walk through all of this in the first place. And I’m finally getting to the place where I realize that that’s okay. It’s ok to grieve what I thought was and what happened to me and so many of those that I love and also press forward and be excited about the future and celebrate the fact that I got out and I get to move on and build my life. So let's start over, because as much as today feels like remembering and grieving what happened to me and what has been lost, it's also a day of celebration.
     
     One year ago today, the chains that had been holding me in a toxic environment that was causing overwhelming depression started to break. One year ago today, my eyes were opened to truth. One year ago today, my future started. One year ago today, God, in His grace, rescued me from the oppression that could have kept me captive my whole life. I celebrate today because, even though I am still feeling so much hurt, by the grace of God, I am putting one foot in front of the other day by day. Today, I celebrate one year of healing. Today, I celebrate that I am now prepared to go through even harder things because I am still functioning after going through the hardest year of my entire life. Today, I celebrate that I am healing and learning the patterns of psychological and spiritual abuse so that someday, the Lord could use what I have gone through to help others in similar situations begin to heal. Today, I celebrate the Lord's goodness in my life. 

Please take time to read.

Hey everybody,

This is not a typical post for me. I am like, an anti-controversial person, if that makes sense, and I know that there are people that I love so much that will not be okay with this post. Please know that this is not coming from a place of judgement, anger, or hate but of love and concern. I realize that this will seem offensive to many. I say that confidently because not long ago, I would have felt the same way. My thinking was so skewed because of the toxicity of the environment that I was living in that I was unable to see the truth. But the last 6 months have been an intense season of the Lord leading me through the beginnings of healing from the trauma of the last five years. That sounds dramatic so hear me out: when I say “the trauma of the last five years”, I’m not saying that the years I spent in ministry were a total waste or all bad. The environment was unhealthy, but the friends I made? An amazing blessing! The relationship and closeness that the Lord allowed me to develop with Him? Absolutely beautiful! The lessons that He’s taught me? So appreciated. But these are examples of good things God did in spite of man’s sin, selfishness, pride and bad intentions. Just because God did good things in the midst of so much bad doesn’t make it all right or good or even worth it. He allowed it to happen and is using it anyways, but I don’t believe that all the hurt that has happened was His sovereign plan. He allows man to have free will and still does good and kind things for those caught in the line of fire who truly have a pure heart to serve the Lord with all that they are.

I, along with many others, received a year end update letter from Potter’s Field Ministries, the ministry that most of you know I served with for five years. This letter was a painful reminder that the ministry that was supposed to close last summer amid dozens, if not more, allegations of abuse is continuing on, which opens up the opportunity for many, many more people to be hurt under the guise of service and ministry. I say all this to really say that, if you are supporting Potter’s Field Ministries- please know that they are not sharing the whole story. As far as I know, there has been no repentance or apologies made to the many, many victims and they are just going to keep hurting more if they have the opportunity to continue with their “ministry”. I am not wishing harm, in fact, my daily prayer is that the leadership would truly, truly come to experience the Lord and the abundant life that He offers. But I believe the fruit of this happening would be public repentance and meaningful apologies to all of those that have been hurt in the name of ministry for so long. God is good. His love is real. There are amazing ministries and churches that are doing true good for the Kingdom of God but it is my firm belief, because of the abuse that I’ve personally experienced, that Potter’s Field Ministries is not one of them and that the enemy is rejoicing that this ministry is continuing.

If you are supporting PFM and you have any questions, please message me. I would be glad to discuss them with you.

“Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.”
1 Timothy 5:19-20 NIV